Monday, Feb 22

It's good to try to remember what day it is. It doesn't seem like it could be into the 20's of Feb, but there you are. It is what it is.

I'm trying to figure out why I feel like crying all the time. Just behind my eyes, you know? I only have about 40 million things simultaneously bringing me down -- no shortage of guilt. I eat wrong. I don't care for my hubby enough (take care of him, not like I don't care -- I do!). I don't clean enough. I live in a pig sty, or that's what my mother would call it. I'm supposed to be exercising -- 2000 calories a week, which for me is equivalent to walking 14.5 miles per week. How many have I walked in the last 7 days? Zero. I work in a job that seems to be out of my league most of the time, in another state, and the drive can really wear a person down. I arranged initially to work 2 days per week from home, but it seems like I have been finding excuses the last few weeks to squeak in a 3rd day from home. And then I don't apply myself the way I should. I do not love this job because of the aforementioned over-my-headedness. And, it's a temp job, a contract. The place I work calls us "contingent workers". Which to me screams out "indispensible". Maybe in today's economy we all are, but it sure would be nice to feel secure. Not that I felt secure in my old job. I survived 20 layoffs in 18 years of working for "one" company. Which was actually 2 companies through the magic of mergers and acquisitions. So in 18 years of working for a "secure", permanent employer, I was more insecure than I've ever been in my life. In the "live for today" mentality, I'm actually much more secure in this job than I was in the old one. But I know as much about the future of this career as I know about the date of my eventual death. Which is to say that it's impossible to predict. I had a bad weekend too. Hurt myself outside on Saturday. Tried to do an ambitious home repair that shoulda been simple, but wasn't. I think it's done but then cleanup would be a good thing, and I've already mentioned that I don't clean very well. So anyway, I feel pretty overwhelmed by all of the above. Nasty stuff, this life business. Do I want to leave it at that? I'm feeling crappy about my life? No, I don't think so. What I do want to do is to break down each of the above and look at them, look at my life. So here goes....instant therapy in a Blog....

1. I don't care for my hubby enough.

Don't get me wrong. I love my hubby. My mother used to tell me that she wasn't my servant, and I secretly wished back then that I did have one. My hubby is very attentive when I need him to be and when I grab his attention. Also, he makes sure of little things like coffee, getting my stuff ready before I leave for my dreaded drive to work. He cleans, he mows, he changes the cat litter, he feeds the bunny and cleans her cage. He does the laundry. There is so much to aspire to in that package. And yet he is a passive person, which can drive me crazy. He's also large, and our kitchen is small. I've found over the years that sometimes it's best to just get out of the way, and then a little voice says to me that I just weaseled my way out of something, some responsibility. If I made a list of the things he does for me, and the things I do for him and compared them, I'd venture that his side of the list would be a lot longer than mine. I haven't actually made this list, but this is what I perceive, so no matter what I do, I would feel like it was inadequate. Is this a myth on my part?

2. I don't clean.

But I do watch TV, so isn't that the same thing? LOL, just kidding. It's not that I don't know how or that I'm particularly adverse to it. It's more the case that I have so many unfinished things on my plate, and I never do seem to finish any of them. And in the wake of that, the place is a mess. Take the room I'm in right now, the living room. Here is what I see. Immediately to my left is:
- a magazine that came in the mail on Saturday that I want to look at
- both Saturday and Sunday's papers. I've read them both, but hubby needs to read the grocery ads, so I might as well not make the trip to the recycling bin just yet.
- my latest knitting project -- really wild socks
- Massage butter because I pulled something in my back last Thursday night, and on Friday I was having hubby try to work the kinks out. Seriously. I was in pain. No, really!!
- Advertisement for the Home & Garden show this weekend, which I do not plan to miss.
- One sleeping cat.
And on my right...
- my coffee cup,
- my cereal cup,
- my blender bottle,
- an empty pop can
- my current pop can
- the entree package that I ate as I sat down to do this blog today, and a dirty fork.
- 2 crochet hooks
- 1 embroidery scissors
- 2 partial balls of yarn, one cream and one charcoal, from the last knitting project that I finished.
- nail polish
- psoriasis medicine that doesn't do much
- a dead (fainted, pining for the fjords) cordless phone.
- various and sundry old magazines in a stack
- miscellaneous idle knitting needles, maybe a couple of them

So the food items are all from today and they will get picked up eventually, also today.
The newspapers are defined by some strange Me-Logic so therefore they can't be disposed of.
The yarn and needles are remnants of unfinished business (that being putting the scraps AWAY)
Only 1 hook needs to stay out, to assist on the project that I'm currently working on.
The yarn can go in my craft cart.
Knitting project stays.
Home & Garden should probably get stuck on the refrigerator. It needs to survive through the weekend.
I don't know what to do about the various and sundry mags. That's why they're various and sundry....

This is just within 3 feet of me on either side. But the whole house is like that, with the possible exception of the basement because I don't tend to hang there. The phone goes down there, and will be returned before bedtime. Probably when hubby gets home for sure. I tend to leave a wake behind me. Hubby used to pick up after me, but I complained about that too, so he pretty much leaves my shit alone. He knows better. Which leaves one conclusion: if I won't allow him to work on it, and if I don't work on it, then the mess remains. Somebody needs to take responsibility here and it's probably me.

3. I'm supposed to be exercising, but I'm not.

I wish we didn't live in a society where exercise for the sake of exercise was a necessity. That is SO boring!! I live in the great white North, and it's winter. I used to ski -- cross country. Blissful in the winter. I also used to have a job in which there was a nice little ski trail close to work. I haven't been on the skis now for 2 years. I haven't really exercised much at all since the snow fell. I need to fix this because I can already feel that my thighs are losing muscle tone, and I really truly do want to have all my physicallity in place for when the garden needs me. And that doesn't happen overnight. I am very self-conscious about being physical, i.e. working out, around other people, and I'm not quite sure where to start, which direction I'm willing to pursue. Ideally I would commit to a gym membership and would make it a regular part of my life. I need to come back to this, but I'm not sure I will have the oomph to talk about this one today.

4. My job wears me down.

This is a big one. My job is boring. My job is more technical than I care for. My job is too far away. Wouldn't it be nice to work in a flower shop or a boutique or a craft shop? My job sucks my soul right out of my life. It pays well, though. Really well. So I'm a well-paid bored soul-less person. One caveat of this job is that my commute allows me to entertain myself, so I do a lot of book on CD, and I have satellite radio in the car, and I have an almost new car which is really sweet. And I'm not struggling for money at all, which is nice today. But I haven't sat down to look at what it's going to be like if this job tanks on me. And I've been sabotaging my work progress and playing way too many online games while working. And I don't feel like I'm applying myself to the job the way that I should be. What would it be like if I hunkered down and really studied the material and tried to actually "know" what it is that I'm supposed to be responsible for? Is there any chance that I could grow to a point where the job was worthwhile intellectually?

5. I had a crap weekend.

So, it was what it was. This is not that week any more. I get a do-over. And it doesn't feel like a Monday because my kid talked me into working from home today. Mondays are not nearly as bad when the commute is excluded. Maybe I should switch my home days to Monday and Friday. I wonder. Something to think about.

So I think that's a lot for one day. I covered a lot of ground. I think I'll straighten up a room tonight. The Olympics won't mind, and neither will my hubby.

Good night, Blog.